Light Up
by Gamebird
Summary: Petrellicest, Preseason, 1998 New Year's Eve sees Peter and Nathan sharing a passionate moment in their tumultuous affair. Nathan can't stand that Peter is falling in love with him. Peter can't stand that Nathan is going to walk away.


**Title: **Light Up  
><strong>Characters: <strong>Nathan/Peter  
><strong>Rating: <strong>NC-17  
><strong>Warnings: <strong>Explicit sexual content, incest  
><strong>Setting: <strong>Preseason, New Year's Eve, 1998. Peter has been 20 for a week now. Nathan is 31 and will be married within a few months in a sudden manner. For those who follow Shattered Salvation, this is background for that AU.  
><strong>Summary: <strong>Nathan has to walk away from the best thing in the world.  
><strong>Notes: <strong>Written for no_ones_sleep on LJ, to the prompt: "Petrellicest; something with fireworks, New Year's Eve, both of them pondering their future or relationship; hurt/comfort, if that fits in the mood; emphasis on Peter's eyes; and if you could squeeze in this line from Snow Patrol's 'Run': _To think I might not see those eyes, makes it so hard not to cry_- from Nathan to Peter."

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><p><em>~Light up, light up, as if you have a choice …~<em>

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><p>The multihued fireworks going off behind Nathan lit up Peter's sweat-dazzled skin in waves of sumptuous color - red and blue and green and gold. Every line of his precious, lithe body was outlined in electric light, sparkling and glowing in the celebratory explosions marking the new year. Peter's head was thrown back in a transport of lust. His expression, what Nathan had been able to see of it, looked like he was being broken apart inside but there was no way he was stopping - no way either one of them was stopping.<p>

Peter eased down just a little more on Nathan's thick cock, thighs shaking, grasping hands trembling. Nathan had done this with only one other person and she'd been very experienced. He realized that now. He realized that as Peter's virginal body struggled to take him, fought to adjust around his intrusion, and slowly, so slowly, welcomed him inside. It was far too late for that realization, Nathan knew. He hadn't really understood what Peter was giving him, the immense trust that was being put in Nathan's hands. Now he knew. The last inch finally slid home and they joined fully, fitted together ever-so-tightly.

Peter groaned aloud, a guttural sound nearly of pain. He'd said several times that it hurt but despite Nathan's suggestions that they stop, reconsider, or do something else, Peter had pressed on. He was adamant that he be allowed to give everything he had to his brother, lay himself down completely for him like a perfect offering to a higher power.

He was beautiful - achingly beautiful - Nathan had never seen anything so breath-taking. He wasn't worthy of it, but he stole away the moment anyway, leaning forward and eliciting a moan of helpless ecstasy from Peter as Nathan licked a droplet of sweat from his Adam's apple. Peter was hardly even a man - he was so young. It was not even legal for him to drink (not that that had stopped them). Nathan cupped his hands around Peter's sides and began to rock him gradually back and forth, watching him quiver and shake as the fireworks went on and on behind and inside of him.

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><p><em>~All I want's to find an easier way …~<em>

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><p>Nathan wrapped his body around Peter's for what he fervently hoped would be the last time, lying in Peter's sinfully soft bed, saturated in his familiar, fraternal scent. He stroked Peter's silky-fine hair, the elegant swell of his cheekbone, and the too-smooth line of his cheek. There was just a hint of stubble along his jaw. Peter had been so slow in maturing. He still didn't have his full growth. He was like an angel - a defiant, passionate, angry angel. Nathan couldn't let himself stain Peter any further, dragging him down into the muck when Peter had so much potential.<p>

He could still taste the alcohol they'd drank and under that, the heavenly savor of Peter's mouth, sampled and devoured over and over tonight, in between fights and love-making and arguments. He wasn't drunk enough, or sober enough, to leave yet, but he knew he had to. He couldn't face himself if he was the cause of preventing Peter from being what he was meant to be. A taste was all he deserved, to know what it was he'd given up.

Peter was the best thing in the world. He had freedom, a freedom Nathan knew he'd lost for himself so long ago. He'd lost it emulating his father, trying to fit himself into someone else's preset mold. He couldn't do that to Peter. He couldn't let Peter do that to himself. He had to let him go. Worse yet, he had to get Peter to let him go.

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><p><em>~I can hardly speak …~<em>

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><p>"We can't do that again, Pete." Nathan forced the words from his throat with the same fatalistic determination he'd used on so many other things he hadn't wanted to say or do over the years. But he had a duty to Peter. He couldn't let this go on. It had already gone too far. He could see it in Peter's eyes … Peter's glorious, gorgeous eyes that turned to him now.<p>

"Why not?" Peter's brows drew together in confusion and the beginnings of outrage. Vulnerability was in there, too, and Nathan felt a pang deep inside to see it. It was all the more reason why they couldn't. If it hadn't mattered, if it had just been a fling or meaningless gratification, then maybe it would have been okay - but nothing was ever meaningless with Peter.

"This is getting too serious."

"It _**is**_ serious," Peter agreed, standing and walking towards him, stopping only when Nathan dodged around him and paced to the opposite side of the room.

"This … we can't be doing this, Peter."

"You keep saying that, like there's something wrong with it."

_There is!_ But he couldn't say that. No, he couldn't say any of it.

"But there doesn't have to be anything wrong about it, Nathan. It's just you and me. We _work_ together. I've never felt this way with anyone else. It's-"

"Peter! You … you don't know what you're talking about." _You're young. You're innocent. You're ignorant and it's better that way. You haven't made the mistakes I've made. You haven't seen the things I've seen. In countries halfway around the world, where the children are starving and the adults are fighting each other in the streets. You're back here protesting war and preaching pacifism and you have no idea how right you are, no idea how wrong you are. And that's how I want it to be for you. You don't need to know, Peter._

"I don't … what?" he said in affront. "I know perfectly well what I'm talking about! I know how I feel! I know how **you** feel! You're guilty. You're sorry. You blame yourself - for what I don't know." He walked over to his big brother and trapped him this time, refusing to let Nathan run away from him this time, refusing to let him argue across that space rather than be up close and personal. Peter put his hands on Nathan's shoulders, over the rumpled dress shirt he'd recovered after their coupling, and squeezed. "It doesn't matter. You don't have to anymore. Let it go. It can be just us. No one else ever needs to know."

_How romantic. And how naïve._ Nathan felt sick inside, both at how much he wanted it and at how unattainable it was. "Peter, that will never work." He shrugged him off and escaped finally, getting distance between them again. It made him feel safer. It was easier to say 'no' when they were apart. It was like he had one foot out the door already. "You deserve other people, other chances. I can't make you live in my shadow like that. Get out there, be yourself. That's what you're always fighting for, isn't it? With Dad?"

Peter's lip curled, thinking of their father. "Is that it? Is that why you want to call it off? You don't want to _disappoint_ him?"

"Pete, my future is set. Yours isn't. Don't throw everything away for this." _Don't let me hold you down. Some day you will fly._

"Because you think you're not worth it? Nathan, you **are**. Why do you keep pushing people aside who want to love you?"

Nathan looked up at Peter and let himself drown in those eyes - so expressive, dark, liquid and empathetic. Nathan felt ashamed for what Peter saw in him. He knew Peter saw his hero and yet Nathan felt like he could never live up to what Peter thought he saw.

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><p><em>~You've been the only thing that's right in all I've done and I can barely look at you …~<em>

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><p>Nathan stood at the French doors to Peter's bedroom, looking down on his brother's slender yet muscular form. They'd lain together until he was as certain as he could be that Peter slept. It was a new year and this … relationship … that Peter had pulled him into had to stop. Nathan knew it was his own perverted desires that had started it with too much touching, stroking, clasping, patting, and caressing. It had felt so good. It was dirty and depraved. Filthy. He knew that, but he'd done it anyway, thinking (when he was able to bring himself to think about it at all) that as long as no one else realized what he was doing, then it didn't matter.<p>

But Peter was no fool. He'd noticed. He'd responded. And then he'd reciprocated and stole Nathan's breath away, made it impossible to resist. His little brother had answered his furtive, unintentional flirting with deliberate and open invitation that Nathan hadn't been strong enough to refuse. He couldn't say no. Not when Peter gave him what was so deeply and darkly desired that he'd forbidden himself from ever even thinking it whole. But now he'd had it and he knew it had to stop. He'd seen the effect it was having on Peter. He couldn't do it again. He couldn't let Peter spoil himself further. He couldn't taint him. Giving in the first time had been the mistake, but there was still time for Nathan to fix it, before anyone found out.

Peter might never look on him as a hero again if he broke his heart by leaving. His eyes, so trusting and warm, might never more have faith in Nathan. But that was perhaps how it should be, as Nathan certainly didn't have faith in himself. He didn't know if he'd even be able to keep this promise to himself and bar himself from Peter's bed. But he couldn't stay. That was disaster for both of them. And so very quietly, like a dishonorable thief in the dark of the night, Nathan found his way to the front door and let himself out.

After the closing of the door, Peter turned his face into the pillow, bunching it tightly in his clenched fists as his shoulders shook.

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><p><em>~To think I might not see those eyes, makes it so hard not to cry …~<em>

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><p>Finally, <em>finally<em>, he was able to move more freely within Peter. The position change had helped, with Peter on his back now and Nathan moving over him. His thrusts took the form of slow, gliding lunges, gradual and easy as Peter learned how to rise to meet him. Peter hadn't known what to do, sitting upright upon him. He'd managed to take Nathan in, but after that he could hardly move, so full and taut. He'd looked to Nathan, plaintive expression asking to be led, to be guided and shown the way. Nathan knew how to do this, right?

Peter's eyes were rolled upwards now, lids fluttering as he moaned and begged for more, wanton mewls loudly filling the air. The slower Nathan moved, the louder Peter was, feeling every inch of his girth pulling out and socketing back inside of him. Peter's cries were punctuated by the distant thunder and percussive popping of the fireworks, building inevitably towards the grand finale.

He thrust harder, feeling that Peter was able to take it now, glorying in how his brother's incredibly responsive body arched off the blankets. Muscles rippled in a show of sexual athleticism unrivaled by any partner Nathan had ever had - or ever would. Peter's legs tightened around Nathan's hips, knees drawing up and back instinctively to let him in even deeper, balls slapping against Peter's crack as his toes curled. Peter shook, his fingers digging into Nathan's shoulders, too lost to even think of helping himself over the edge. Nathan drove into him relentlessly, feeling the occasional pressure from Peter's dick trapped between them.

Nathan leaned in, one hand on the ground beside Peter's head, and locked his lips over Peter's open, inviting mouth. His other hand went between them, stroking and thumbing over his brother's length. Peter arched again even more sharply as Nathan seated himself as deeply as possible, feeling the heat around his cock spasm as thick liquid jetted out over his fingers and Peter sucked the very breath from his lungs. Nathan could hold it in no longer, bursting loose inside of Peter, losing himself to the moment as he and Peter both seemed lit up from within.

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><p><em>~Light up, light up, as if you have a choice …~<em>

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><p>Fin<p> 


End file.
